This holiday, it's the best period to dive myself deep into my own world. Likely back to the previous empty life when I was "unemployed" temporarily. Now it just filled with many schedules. I felt tired. Even I'm just thinking. Recently, I'm really appreciate spending some quality time with my family on every weekends. I hope I could stay on that moment forever.
There are many reasons I'm depressing all the times. I feel that some undefined forces are keep hitting me and want to break me apart from inside-out but guess what, I'm still breathing. The best thing in our life is knowing that we are alive. Those are the accumulation debt of doing nothing in few months ago. Now, it wants me paying back all at once. It makes me wanna turn against the whole world (in an extreme way) when I've lost myself. I thought I can go through all these as easy as it seems. I was wrong. Never look down to a tiny thing.
I need to talk to someone very often as the stage of my life keep changing. My life is not yet stable. That's why I keep thinking of rebellion, like leukocytes attacking foreign substances every time they sense their present. Like the situation I'm in: New school. New people. I will be working alone in rebellion. In the end of time, I might not recognize myself.
I hope to get more attention from teachers when comes to study. Sometimes I prefer working. No.. Both suck.
Actually before I can drive, I don't think so serious when it comes to driving, but now I just keep having that fear in crashing cars and murdering people accidentally. DAMN HELL. I've got one more 4-hr driving lesson and then test. It is TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT!!!!!
I have my eyes on every people every time and wondering did they been through what I'm now dealing with? And how they did it? I can't stop comparing my situation to everyone's to increase my confidence. That is wrong but that seems the only way I can gain back myself.
When I'm growing older, I'm more childish. Such as the way I'm dealing with the problems. It's either I'm being the most childish or the maturest now. Nothing in between. That's what I felt. I hope it could be the best feeling to be a mature man so far.
I believe when we do things often, we get immunised. To me, I immunised to fear. I'm stuck here. When our life won't get any better, we just have to accept it and always remember "If someone reach the peak of unluckiness, they became the luckiest soon enough" I found this line very useful in comforting people like me every time.
PS: Awaiting changes that can made my life stable for now. As soon as possible.